Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
