You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
