I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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