Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
