Your mouth is God's brothel.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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