When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
