I think I won the penis lottery.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
