its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I want her autograph on my taint
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
