I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Small penises have feelings too.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
