Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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