Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
