I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
