I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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