I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
