And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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