My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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