This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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