They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
