Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
