I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
