I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
honey bunches of taint.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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