So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
