alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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