ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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