Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
