i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
