So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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