I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
