drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
