Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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