Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
