I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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