I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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