Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
