he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
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You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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