Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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