Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
