My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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