somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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