Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
