How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
