I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
