"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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