my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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