I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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