im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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