nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my poor anus
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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