I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
