I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.