i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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