i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
