we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she peed on how many people?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
