Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
