the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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