I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
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The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.