If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer