2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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