Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
