saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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