you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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