Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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